Hand Over Fist
by KJaneway115
Summary: Chakotay attempts to cope with his conflicting emotions after Janeway relives him of duty in "Equinox."


_A/N: This story was written in response to a challenge posted on VAMB by Laura W. The challenge was to write a story of up to 1500 words, any pairing, that began with a variation of the line "I've never had so much time on my hands." This is what I came up with. Please read and review. Feedback is always appreciated.  
_

**HAND OVER FIST  
**

He'd never had so much time on his hands, and he was fuming. Relieved of duty. Her words had cut him to the core. When she'd first said them, he hadn't believed her. It had taken several moments before he'd realized that she was actually serious. Then, he had staggered back to his quarters in a rage, barreling through the corridors. When he'd stepped inside and the door had closed behind him, he'd unleashed his anger on the wall, pounding his bare fists into the titanium plating until his knuckles were swollen and bruised. Somehow, the external pain was easier to take than the internal. Over and over again, he saw her turn her back on him, and Chakotay thought he might be sick.

He staggered towards the replicator, ordering a glass of water. When he looked down, he thought the hands he saw before him must belong to someone else. The knuckles on his right hand were puffed up, creating unseemly bulges that did not look like human hands at all. He had split open one knuckle on his left hand, and a slow river of red blood trickled between his fingers. He could barely grasp the glass of water as his hands trembled. He took a shaky sip before putting down the glass; drinking was too much effort. Sinking to the floor, he sat, head against the wall, arms resting on his knees.

Before today, he would have sworn that he knew Kathryn better than he had ever known anyone, and that she knew him, too. But the woman he had seen outside the cargo bay was someone he didn't even recognize. He wanted to believe she had been possessed by an alien consciousness, but somehow he knew that wasn't true. He tried to reconcile the Kathryn that had emerged since Rudy Ransom had entered their lives with the Kathryn he had known for the past five years, but he found himself unable to do it. He felt like his mind was pounding against a brick wall, trying to make sense of something completely preposterous. _This can't be real_, he thought. Yet here he was, in his quarters, relieved of duty, with nothing but time on his hands. And blood. There was blood on his hands, too.

He discovered that he could still flex the fingers on his right hand; it wasn't broken, and the swelling would go down on its own eventually. The EMH gave him a hard enough time about boxing on the holodeck; he doubted the Doc would take very well to knowing he'd gone a few rounds with a titanium bulkhead, so he wanted to avoid a visit to sickbay.

His anger had begun to cool, but it was replaced by a sense of confusion and betrayal, an emptiness that he hadn't felt in a long time. _No_, he thought. _I don't want to go back to being that person, that angry warrior who couldn't find peace._ But if Kathryn was capable of what he'd seen over the past few days, perhaps he'd misread her all along. Perhaps she had never been the woman he thought she was. _Is it possible that I've been that stupid for this long?_ He didn't have the best record where women were concerned. _It's possible_. Slowly, avoiding the use of his hands as much as possible, he got to his feet to take another sip of water. He felt anger surge inside him again; he had moved to throw the glass against the wall when the door chimed.

Quickly, Chakotay lowered his arm and put the glass back on the replicator, hurriedly trying to compose himself. "Come," he said tersely, making no effort to hide his bloody hands. He didn't much care who saw them or what they thought at this point.

"I hope I'm not intruding," said Neelix as he stepped cautiously into the room.

"What can I do for you, Neelix?"

"Actually, Commander, I wanted to see what I could do for you." The Talaxian paused and offered a small smile. "You know I take my job as morale officer very seriously."

"I don't think _I'm_ the one who needs your coaching, Neelix."

"Are you sure about that?" Neelix asked, gesturing to Chakotay's hands. "It looks like you're pretty angry with yourself. Either that or there's a big boxing tournament going on that no one has told me about." The Talaxian chuckled, but Chakotay remained stone faced. "Sit down, Commander. I'll get you something for those hands."

Chakotay was so surprised by the lack of reprimand that he obeyed, sitting on the couch while Neelix went to the replicator and ordered a substance whose name Chakotay couldn't pronounce. Then Neelix moved to sit on the sofa next to him, holding a bowl of salve that smelled vaguely like mint and blueberries. Gently, he began to apply the gelatinous compound to Chakotay's right hand. "Have I ever told you about my favorite sister, Alixia?" The Talaxian didn't wait for Chakotay's response before continuing. "I'm sure I've mentioned her. Alixia and I were as close as a brother and a sister could be, and I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. Sometimes we got on each other's nerves, had little fights, argued over toys, that sort of thing. Usually, we forgot about it the next day and went right back to being the best of friends. But I'll never forget the time our friendship was almost ruined for good."

"What happened?"

Neelix moved from Chakotay's right hand to his left. The compound was cool and soothing, and already the throbbing pain in Chakotay's right hand was beginning to abate. "Alixia wanted to go to a party at a neighbor boy's house. I don't remember the details anymore; we were very young. But I knew that this boy was no good. He was mean and selfish, and I didn't think my sister should be spending time with him. I told her so, and I told her that I knew what was best for her because I was her older brother. Well, Alixia didn't think that I should be telling her what to do, and she didn't appreciate my judgment of a boy that she liked. The argument escalated until finally she told me she wished that I wasn't her brother."

"That must've hurt."

"It did. I got really angry. I stomped through the house. I broke one of my favorite toys. My mother finally found me with the broken pieces of the toy strewn around me. She comforted me, like only mothers can, and then she asked me what made me so angry with myself. I explained to her that I was angry with Alixia and told her all the horrible things that my sister had said to me. My mother said, 'Well then, don't you think that you should have broken Alixia's toys, not your own?'" Neelix had emptied the bowl of salve, and he put it aside.

"I told my mother that I loved Alixia and wouldn't want to see her hurt. Then my mother asked me why I broke my toy. Did I think that Alixia would want to see me hurt?" He paused. "At first I said yes, obviously she did, because she was the one who had said so many awful things to me. My mother just stood there, looking at me, until I realized what she was trying to tell me. If Alixia had come into the room at that moment and seen that I had broken one of my favorite toys, she would have been upset. She loved me just as much as I loved her." Neelix picked up the bowl and went back to the replicator to recycle it. "If you leave that on for half an hour, Commander, you should be able to avoid a visit to sickbay."

"Thanks." The Talaxian moved towards the doorway. "Neelix?" He turned back around. "You said the argument _almost_ ruined your relationship with your sister for good?"

"What I realized after talking to my mother was that my love for Alixia hadn't changed, even though she'd hurt me." Neelix paused. "Sometimes the people we love get lost, Commander. But getting lost ourselves won't help them find the way back to the right path."

Chakotay regarded him thoughtfully for a moment. Somehow, the Talaxian always seemed to know just the right thing to say. "Thank you, Neelix. Thanks for stopping by, and... thanks for the story."

"Just doing my duty," the Talaxian replied with a smile before turning to exit the room. Chakotay remained seated on the couch for a long time, considering Neelix's words, periodically looking down at the bluish green goo on his hands. The burning anger he had felt was gone. His peace had returned, and with it, a resolve to do whatever it took to lighten Kathryn's burdens, to be there for her and to help them both find their way back to friendship.


End file.
